all apologies

I am on a new pill. It is killing me. I messes up my moods (man, do I hate that), my appetite and my sleep habits. These next few weeks are going to be torture. I also had my first truly upsetting ordeal in awhile. My ex (Not X, but the prior one, Jeff) and I have been buddies online for awhile now. With the marriage of his roomate (a high school friend of mine), he is now living alone for the first time at the age of 28. We broke up mainly due to the fact that he was an alcoholic (my label) who only wanted to party and never really made plans. (Sound familiar?)

He has been texting me lately at night, most likely cuz he is lonely. Last night, he sent a message asking if I ever thought about what went wrong with us. Well, I pretty much avoided the question and he went on to say that he thinks that he picked his friends over his girlfriend (also true). I just didn't have the heart to tell him that his drinking and immaturity was the real reason.

So tonight he logs on again. He asks what I am doing and I tell him that I am decoding a letter for the Captain. (Captain is trying to break it off with a girl. He did not know that he is not supposed to be dating until legal proceedings begin onhis divorce, even though they have been legally separated since June. After three dates, she also starting saying things about watching their kids play high school ball and Christmas..... Little much for a newly divorced guy, eh?)

Anyway, I am trying to help him diffuse the situation and for humor's sake I am "decoding" her most recent letter. She says things like "do I not get the courtesy of even a phone call or a quick coffee" and "my last two sources of support have left me now." Which in crazy-girl language means "can't I guilt trip you into a cup of coffee?" and "I am desolate and all alone because of YOU, my brand new boyfriend that I scared off with my overwhelming attachement to him". (He already sent an email explaining that it was all too much for him at this point in his life, as he has alreay told her.....twice. Now you have the background for this all.....)

So, Jeff types "can i ask you a question without offending you?... why do you get involved in things like this?"

Jeff always thought that I was always too involved in the lives of my friends. Brandy should have been able to work things through with her boyfriend without my assistance. When W@lm@rt threatened to fire me, I should have just backed down rather than sending a letter to the district manager. And I should never have shown concern for his friends that we had been hanging with for a year when they were having troubles. I told him that Captain is dealing with a lot and I am just helping so he wrote:

(B) Jeff (B): i'm not one to involve myself in other peoples situations (especially one as private as a divorce). people have to figure some things out for themselves.
(B) Jeff (B): does he want your help?
**(more was written, but there was a lot of filler stuff in between)

I. Was. Pissed.

Needless to say, I felt that he implied I was out of line. Then he questioned whether or not Captain even wanted to break up with the girl. What, does he think that I decided this? C'mon!? Then he said that he questions the intentions of Captain. Okay, so I have heard this before. Many people who know of our friendship ask if I think he is interested. We are just friends. SERIOUSLY. Like brother/sister relationship stuff. I have said this before about my guy-friends, but it has never been more true than it has with Captain. We have been supporting each other for over two years now and his friendship has become invaluable to me.

His implications made me truly upset so I wrote that he is more of a passive supporter. He lets people know that he is there, while I always make the call to ensure that they are okay. Since he prefers to be a backstage kind of friend (I am not saying it is bad, just not what I do), he does not understand my support style and feels that I am nosey. So, I ended the conversation. Rudely. Sorry mom, I'm not very good at keeping me cool. When adjusting to a new pill. At 1:30 am. When I am not feeling well altogether. (Or perhaps I am just not good at it in any circumstance?)

NO ONE should ever try to tell me that I am out of line with my friends. They are MY FRIENDS. I understand them, hence the "friend" terminology. Do we have problems? Yes. Do I seek the advice of others? Yes. But no one else in my life has ever had the gall to tell me I am conducting my friendships poorly. (Relationships, yes. :) But I usually admit defeat in that area...)

Anyway. I'm glad that I have this blog to vent. No one else is up and I am finally calming down. Thanks for "listening".