Deep thoughts....by S. Dangler

I can feel it growing inside of me. This pharmaceutically induced depression. It’s weird. I wake up in the best of moods. Motivated and confident I get ready for the day. Part of this routine is once again popping my daily pill to help make being a woman a little more tolerable. I’m 26. My body should have figured it out years ago. Unfortunately, mine has not. Nearly two hours later, I start to drag. Regular things start to affect me more than usual. One of my favorite singer/songwriters Damien Rice nearly puts me into tears. Too bad for me, he is on my ipod work playlist. He sings of unrequited love and meaningful moments in such a lovely way that it is now bringing tears to my eyes and thoughts to my mind. Doug. (Ev, please try not to gag.)

I have not thought of him in a long time. We were together almost every night, studying down the hall from each other in the psychology building. At about 10 pm, one of us would text the other or journey down the hall so we could make the four block trek to St@rbucks. I enjoyed his company so very much. Then, we began doing lunch together. Being friends with his roommate, the whole group would get together on the weekends too.

We just clicked. He had this quirky sense of humor that I loved about him. People would speculate that we were a couple, but he had a girlfriend back in NY. However, as we started to get closer, there would be these moments. One night on the way back from a coffee run, he brought it up. He was interested. Then it went awry. Instead of saying something romantic or meaningful (hey, he introduced me to Damien Rice), he said we should kiss to see if there was a spark between us. Unfortunately, he still had the girl in NY. But he didn’t want to end that if we didn’t “have” anything. I brushed him off. I told him he had a girlfriend and I would not do anything with him until that was done. Another girl from our cohort had no such qualms. Therefore, our friendship ended and they became a couple.

I miss him. Why do I miss these people that added no value other than entertainment to my life? Obviously he had little to no respect for me, but I still miss him. I discovered a new artist that he would love. I want to send him an email. My heart says it is okay but so far logic has been able to prevail. Blah. I hate these feelings. Why can’t I let people go? Everyone else seems to have less of a problem moving on, but not me.

Stupid meds.